mamma going nuts...

#2

When I look through Facebook pages I get jealous to see people so happy. Someone is posting pictures of their anniversary, or birthday, someone of their foreign trip, or of their trip to caves or of friends or kids or families. I feel that all the people there have perfect lives and almost all of them are living a life that I aspired. But when give it a deep thought I come to a conclusion that I am just seeing one side of a coin, the side which people want to show. My life might not have all those cherishing moments but i do have some things which they might not be having. Facebook wall cannot decide my happiness. I do have wonderful moments in my life whose pictures cannot be clicked.

Have been realizing some realities of life lately, one of them, life is too short and we keep on wasting time in fights and crying over fights. I particularly have been wasting time over things which are useless.  Instead I should be thankful to God for giving me what I have. I have Parveen sir, I have Eklavya, I have my parents , I have health, I have roof on my top, I have food to eat I have clothes to wear and what not…. I have almost everything for which most of the people in this world crave for.

Lately I have been searching crèches for Eklavya for day care. I want to work, no I think I want to earn. But when I just think of my baby in some else’s hands I feel so sorry for myself. He is too young, can’t even walk and speak. The culture of keeping kids in day care has made me or I can say forced  me to think about putting my kid in a day care where I am not sure whether he will be cared or not. People who already send their children to day cares often say that don’t we love our child. There are so many kids who are kept in crèches and they are happy about it. Parveen sir always tell me not to think about this option but time and again I rethink over it.

While going thru some day care advertisements online, I went through some comments about the day care being the worst or bad. I think I cannot leave Eklavya in any day care to check whether it’s good or bad. I surely cannot experiment on him. My conscience would never want my baby to cry and suffer ever.  Yes I think I can quit my stubborn wish of making my career for him. He surely deserves that, he surely deserves my love and care all the time. When he’s not around and I hear him cry, my heart sinks, yes it does and it can stop to beat if he suffers because of me.

I don’t know if being ambitious is bad or unhealthy but it is poisonous. It ruins you; it destroys your ‘self’. I don’t see me as the ‘swati’ I am behaving these days.  I am not even sure of what I want to do or achieve. I want Eklavya to be proud of me as well as I want to be the best half of Parveen sir. I am not writing this to show up to anyone but just because writing things helps me to clear up my thoughts and sieve all the impurities in my thoughts. I might not be a good wife, daughter or daughter in law, but yes I want to be a very good mother.

Being mother is not an easy job. And all mothers are best for their children. Motherhood brings new challenges every day. It makes you forget your sleep, it makes you forget your work, relationships, night outs, parties, trips and it gives you stretch marks too that look weird. But a mother should be proud of all these things she manages. Mothers forget all the pain and hardships when she sees her baby smile.

A mother’s heart often stops beating, whenever her child falls, gets hurt and cries. It makes her wish to get time machine if there is anything like that in this world so that he can get back and rerecord that situation where her baby falls, this time se wouldn’t let him fall. But we have to realise that falling is what will help my baby to rise and grow. He will only learn if he tries and fails.